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oh joy [13 Oct 2014|10:21pm]
today marks what could have been a very important day. instead, it serves as a reminder that i made what is probably the only truly regrettable mistake in my life thus far.

i won't do the whole vague description like i often do. this is a journal, not a facebook page where everyone is privy to the candid moments i blather on about. while there are people who have read this page in the past, i'm confident nobody remembers live journal. or if they do, they forget their sign-in...or even less, that i have a journal.

today, 13 years ago, i was a 15 year old nervous wreck. i had a crush on a girl, whom i had asked to the homecoming dance. towards the end of the dance, i finally worked up the courage to ask her if she'd be my girlfriend. for one reason or another, she said yes. it was the most amazing feeling i had ever experienced to that point. she was the first serious girlfriend i ever had. as a matter of fact, she is the only serious girlfriend i've ever had. i've dated women here and there since, but i haven't considered any of them girlfriends. just women i dated. each with their own styles, personalities, dispositions, opinions, interests, and appearances, all of which i was attracted to in one way or another. each one, on paper, seemed like a considerable match for me. the only problem? they weren't her. now i know that it sounds stupid, it's been 12 years since we've been a couple, 11 years since we were involved in any way. but she was special. she is the only person i've ever truly loved, the only person i've ever said 'i love you' to. she was the one person in the world who has ever made me feel like the best version of myself. even when things between us started to get complicated, i still never felt more like myself than i did with her. i shake my head as i write this because i've always encouraged friends to not let someone else dictate who they are or how they feel about themselves because that comes from within, but now i understand. it's not that i relied on her to feel good about myself, it's that i felt best about myself when i was with her. that may not sound like a coherent or logical statement but it makes sense in my head, so i'll go with it.

times haven't always been great between us. i mean, even after i broke up with her, we still remained close friends. we always had each other's backs. but a little while into the college days, she started seeing someone. then things got a little testy. not because she was seeing someone new, but because of the things that person told her, influencing how she viewed me and our past relationship. long story short, we didn't talk much for a couple years. eventually we let bygones be bygones and mended fences, so to speak.

since then, our friendship has been a bit half-hearted. mostly because i don't ever want to push too hard and make it seem like i want more than a friendship. for a long time i didn't. but in the last few years, i can't help but want that. we've become a little closer and i have begun to notice all those things about her that i fell in love with 13 years ago. she thinks she's changed, in some ways for the worst, but i see more than the flaws she seems hung up on. has she changed? in many ways yes. have i changed? absolutely. it's a part of the human experience. we grow older, wiser, and fine-tune our tastes, meaning we begin to learn through trial and error what we want and don't want in life. after slowly getting to know her again, what i've learned about her makes me want to continue. but now, i want more. what i mean by that is i want to be able to talk to her more than just occasionally, i want to express how i feel about her, i want to hold her hands again and look into her eyes and lean in and kiss her. the problem is, she doesn't necessarily seem to feel the same way. i don't have proof to support that, but she seems to pull away whenever i get the least bit sincere with her. there are some signals that might suggest otherwise like her texting me pictures of us from back then, or the fact that she's usually the one to text me first, even if it's about nothing. the one thing that she did to endear herself to me was when my nana passed away earlier this year. she was the only one who reached out to me and offered up her friendship. i didn't take that as anything other than friendship of course...but it was the most solid evidence that she's still as kind-hearted as i remember. we all become a little cynical and cold as we get older, just out of survival skills, for fear of getting hurt. but to feel that love from another human being, especially during such an emotionally draining time, felt amazing.

so at this point, i struggle to express msyelf towards her. today, if she felt the same way, would be the perfect day to reconnect. but i let my fear of rejection take hold. i was more brave as a 15 year old. or just a little more naive and reckless. now i'm just cynical and afraid.

i've got about 100 minutes left to be brave and confront the situation. i'll probably chicken out, but here's to hoping that i find the testicular fortitude and go for it...or as she would put it...grow a pair.
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losing hope [09 Jul 2014|03:09am]

as i entered into adulthood with a naive view of the world, i was full of hope, full of optimism, full of ideas, full of excitement at what the world had to offer. hearing teachers and authority figures throw around the phrase "wait til you enter the real world" just sounded like cautionary words brought about by their own negative experiences and personal failures throughout their lives. i realize now that it was more than just words of caution, but advice that came from a good place. they wanted nothing more than for me to succeed. for me to thrive on my potential. for me to enter the real world and make it my own.

in the 10 years that i have been an adult, i've experienced disappointment, failure, loss, confusion, and it has brought me to this point. i have experienced mild success, don't get me wrong, but it's success that has been outweighed by the negative circumstances i've encountered. i don't want to sound like i'm hoping for pity or that i'm looking for anybody's charity. part of why i've gotten to this point is my own fault. sometimes i haven't worked hard enough, cared enough, been motivated enough, or was cautious enough. i've come to crossroads in my life before and somehow it always ended up working out to some degree. but at this point in my life, i can truly say i've reached a point i've never felt before. the point of hopelessness. until now, i've always held out hope that things would get better. i've always held out hope that some hypothetical light would go off and i would figure things out. but now, i have no hope for my future. i have no hope that i will find a new job soon. no hope that i will climb out of this monetary hole that i've been stuck in for so long. not that i'm so far in debt that i'd need to file for bankruptcy, just enough of a hole that it feels like quicksand. every time i finally catch up and pay things off, some unexpected circumstance prevents me from making a dent in it. i have no hope that i will find someone to love or more importantly, someone to love me back. i have loved only once in my life and she loved me too. lord knows why, but it was the only time in my life i've been truly happy. i recently met two lovely women. they saw something in me that they liked and i liked them too. but for various reasons, it didn't work out with either of them. unfortunately, no matter how much i try to move on from the one person i loved, i always have her on my mind. we're still friends to this day, but not like before. we don't talk every day. we don't even talk very often. hell, i've only just recently reconnected with her in person in the last couple years. our lives have taken very different paths, but i think on some level there is still love between us. at the very least, we care for each other. at least i pray she cares for me. the problem is, no matter how hard i try not to, i still love her. i thought i got over her long ago, but i still love her. maybe i'm holding onto the idea that we belong together. maybe it's that naive 15/16 year old that believes we were meant to be together forever. maybe i'm just in love with the idea of her, or in love with the idea that true love exists. more than anything in this world, i just wish i could go back to that age and feel what it was like to be loved.

these days all i feel is numb. it's funny to say i feel numb when the feeling of numb is feeling nothing. an oxymoron if i ever heard one. i'm empty inside. i'm a shell of who i once was. i used to smile at people without realizing it. now, people have to remind me to smile. it's something i hate because it's a lot easier said than done. nobody knows how empty i feel inside. nobody knows how hopeless i feel. i understand that they are just being positive and hoping to rub off on me with their positivity, but i want no part of it anymore. i don't feel like i deserve happiness anymore. i do and i don't actually. i feel like i'm a good person. i feel like i've been good to people in my life. but i also feel like i've let everyone down in some way or another, which in turn, makes me feel like i don't deserve a single shred of happiness anymore. i didn't try hard enough to perfect my trade (ultrasound) because in all honesty, i hated doing it. in turn, that probably cost me a well-paying job. i didn't try hard enough in school to get the grades i needed to get into major colleges/universities. had i done that, maybe i would have experienced amazing things as i entered into adulthood. but i didn't. i settled for comfort. i didn't even apply to a single college because i was afraid i wouldn't get into somewhere i wanted. instead, i settled for following my parents to Las Vegas and attending community college. i thought i was doing them a favor by not going to an expensive university. but that cost me the opportunity to have a true college experience. i worked a mediocre job while in school and saved enough money to move out on my own. well, with the help of my parents too because i moved out with my brother to a place they bought in california. back home. it was supposed to be my big moment to make something of myself. but i was late registering for classes at another community college, so i ended up working another mediocre job. it didn't pay enough to make ends meet and i was nearing an opportunity to get a second job at another mediocre workplace. but it was going to be on my own. i was still positive, somewhat happy. i was experiencing life for the first time. but a different opportunity was brought to me. the opportunity to move back home to Las Vegas with my parents to attend school for ultrasound. it made sense logically because it was a trade that paid well. or so i thought. i never worked enough hours to make it a lucrative career. and now i find myself unemployed yet again, no hope in sight. now i'm looking for mediocre jobs just to pay the bills. any kind of job that will afford me more time to think about what i want to do with my life. the only thing i've ever wanted to do with my life is write. write screenplays...or novels...or even articles...about life...sports...music...film...anything. but my fear of failure has always crippled my drive. maybe i'm at the point where i have no choice. maybe i just have to go for it. but my motivation is still lacking because so much around me is crumbling.

i lost an uncle and a grandmother this year. my parents seem like they hate each other. i know i'm a burden on them financially and otherwise. i'm 28 and lost in the world without a fucking clue as to what to do next. there is overwhelming guilt that consumes me. i feel like i should just disappear without so much as a whisper just to make their lives easier. i feel like my whole family looks at me as a failure. maybe they don't, but that's how i feel. the one person i could confide in is in prison and i can't talk to her every day like i used to. even if i could, how could i burden her with my own struggles when she's struggling herself. it's more important to me that she finds her own personal peace and contentment rather than take on my problems too. to be fair, i've kind of taken on her problems into my own life, but i want to. i want to bear her cross so that she doesn't hurt so much. i love her dearly, like she was my own sister, that i want to do anything i can to help her get through this. some may call it selfless, but i don't see it that way. she is someone i would walk through hell and back to help. but sometimes it takes so much out of me mentally that i feel like i can't go on anymore. i feel like i'm failing her. i haven't kept in contact with her as regularly as i did. i don't write enough. i've missed more visits than i'd like lately. i don't even have the means to put money on her books. i know it's not my job to do any of that, but i feel like i'm letting her down. like i'm abandoning her. i know i shouldn't feel this way, and i know she understands, but she's hurting more than i can comprehend and i can't help her like i once could.

all of these things weigh on me mentally...physically...emotionally...and spiritually. especially losing my grandmother. i wasn't even in the country when she passed away. i was on a vacation that i shouldn't have even been on. being unemployed, i had no right to go on vacation. i feel guilty for being gone. i didn't get to see her before she passed. i'm still so distraught that i'll never get to give her a bear hug again. that i won't be able to watch her and help her cook her best dishes. that i won't be able to hear her say my name again. i love her so much and i can't be around her anymore.

at the root of everything, even more than my own shaken faith in God, all i want is to feel love again. i know God should take the ultimate precedence in any aspect of my life. i still believe in God. i still have faith in Him. i just don't know that He is looking down on me anymore. He's supposedly omnipresent, but i feel more alone than i ever have in my life. i know He loves me. but to not feel the love of another person, someone i can touch, someone i can hold, it feels even worse. all i want is to love someone again. i want her back in my life, selfish as it may sound. i know i can't have her back anymore, at least i don't think i can. i want so badly to tell her how much i still love her, but i don't want to complicate her life. i want her to be happy. if that can only happen without me, so be it. i just wish i could tell her. i wish she could still love me back. but that's more than i can hope for. i have no hope left. just a wish that likely will never ever come true. maybe one day i can show her this post. she used to read this all the time. maybe she still does from time to time. but i doubt that with every fiber in my body. i think she's moved on. she should...i don't deserve her. i don't deserve anything at this point. not until i can find the strength to fight for everything i desire in my life. maybe i need to learn to love myself first. but for now, all i know to be true is that i love her. through all the hopelessness...through all the utter despair i feel come over me...i know one thing to be true...i love her. God help me.

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An Awesome Book [29 Jul 2012|09:26pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

"Yes there are places in the world where dreams are almost dead, so please my child do keep in mind before you go to bed, to dream a dream as big as big could ever dream to be, then dream a dream 10x as big as that one dream you see, and once you’ve got that dream in mind, please dream a million more, and not a million quiet dreams but a million dreams that roar, a million dreams so loud they scream, so loud they sing and shout, so super huge they say hey world guess what im dreaming about. Im dreaming about everything that no one thought to wonder, dreams so big they got dreams and they got dreams up under and if they say that all your dreams are too big to come true, you tell them that I told you that’s what dreams are meant to do they’re meant to make it seem as if you don’t know up from down cause dreams are dreams and that’s why dreams are worth having around."


came across this quote from listening to The ILLZ. He had just dropped The Darkest Hour in my gmail inbox. the last track Nostalgia For The Light had this selection read aloud by someone (sounds almost like Joaquin Phoenix). i googled the words and found out it was from a children's book by a guy named Dallas Clayton...he wrote it for his son. the words, while simplistic and meant for a child to comprehend, resonate profoundly. just thought i'd share. (really, just to keep a record of it in case i forget to buy the book down the line)

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the sun won't shine [04 Jan 2012|11:52pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

took a step outside to realize the sun won't shine
just rain falling down, drops of salt in my eyes
can never catch a fuckin' break, but that ain't no surprise
each and every day the world is steadily killing my pride
crippled by the fact that i'm alone in this life
a cloudy day is progress for just a moment of light
in return, i get burned by the solemn darkness of night
never thought i'd reach my breaking point at 25, but that's life.

26 approaching and the world's end near
there's many things that i had wished i'd whispered in her ear
like "i'm sorry", "i love you", "i wish that you were here"
but it's too late, a buck short, my love has disappeared
alone now, without love, one of my biggest fears
failure is the other, but that's what got me here
where are you? my dear, grab the wheel and steer
please get us to heaven fast so i can hold you near

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Jen. [30 Oct 2011|11:04pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

the salinity washes away
as the rain pours in,
this brand new day.
cardiac structure manipulated
no longer solitary,
new love is conjugated.
though misery did last
it seems so distant,
all pain, within the past.
a tragedy i did not find you then
so much time wasted,
let us now begin.
a sad stained existence
erased by new joy,
no reason for reminiscence.
soft pale skin, hair that shines like the sun
a smile to light the world,
all signs saying you are the one.
sorrow rests within your soul
not unlike myself,
our half-hearted selves now become whole.

a tragedy i did not find you then
so much time wasted,
i missed my chance with Jen.

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disperse [11 Mar 2011|11:40pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

i struggle on a daily basis
trying to save face in this
mad, mad, world every phase is a maze
but while my phrases amaze you
i'm losing patience
waiting for the world to change
my signal's out of range
communication strange
and i'm enduring pain
our relationship is strained
because i wanted more
and you want it the same

now how do we move on?
don't wanna start over
but we're so far gone
past the point of no return
now my heart is taking turns
for the worst, reaching out
catching a ride from the hearse
another fated step
in this cruel universe
just once in my life
i would like to finish first
the guy that gets the girl
not the guy that holds a curse
to put an end to this pain?
a hollow point to the brain
the cold steel against my frame
i hope you forget my name
now it's time to let this painful life disperse
nothing remains.

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first update of the year [07 Mar 2011|01:48am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

So since the last time I posted an entry, well not too much has changed...with exception of the relationship with my aforementioned friend. We've talked and talked and are what seems to be half-seriously been talking about dating. I used to be really into her a couple years ago, but now I'm not too sure where my feelings stand with her. On a friendship level I love her to death. Romantically, I have no clue. I tell myself, told myself rather, that there's nothing there. Based on red flags: she's twice divorced, has 3 kids, and is 7 years my senior. There's no doubt that I'm very much attracted to her, she's absolutely beautiful. But what I want in a relationship and what she wants are far apart. But talking to her and being honest and frank with my intentions, it seems like maybe we're closer on what we'd ideally look for in a partner. I feel like this could be a risk that we could both take and have it be worth it. If it didn't work out, I think we could both be mature enough to not let it get weird....dare I advance with this? We shall see.

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[20 Dec 2010|11:39pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

so since the last post, the weather has gone from scorching hot to wonderfully cold. i went out to see if i could spot the lunar eclipse, but it's so cloudy and raining so much that the moon is completely out of visibility. bummer.

lately i've been growing tired of a friend of mine because i'm growing so tired of only hearing from her when it's convenient for her or when she needs something. she came over to my house on saturday and spent the better part of 8 hours here. the whole time i spent with her, i listened to her problems and how she's so depressed about things in her life. normally i would have no problem doing that for a friend, but it seems like every conversation i have with her is the same thing. it's a broken record. she complains, asks what to do, i nudge her in a sensible direction, she doesn't listen, she starts over. she even said something that slightly offended me. i know she meant well and didn't think she was saying anything that would irritate me, but she did and i just got fed up. the next several conversations were basically the same, except this time, i stopped the calm, patient tone of voice i use and was very stern with what i had to say just to see if she'd finally listen. seems like she did, but only time will tell. i hate being 'the friend' sometimes just because i get asked for help or advice on something and it goes in one ear and out the other. not only with her, but with several people i've encountered. i almost want to cut ties with this friend because it seems like she brings me down when she's down. i  don't recall the last happy conversation i've had with her.

we'll see how it goes. i love the chick because she's a good person, but she just goes in the same vicious circle all the time. being around her when she's being negative, it feels like i'm doing the same thing.

i need some serious change in 2011. i'm not setting any resolutions...just intent to make my life better.

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no subject [04 Aug 2010|12:36am]
[ mood | depressed ]

just finished watching the finale for this british show called Extras w/ Ricky Gervais. aside from the overall fact that he's an actor and whatnot, i can kind of relate to his character because nothing makes him happy. nothing is ever enough. except that with me, i have nothing. at least i can't find anything in my life to be happy about. my pessimism grows by the day. by the end of this finale, i started crying like a little girl cause the ending hit a nerve. i hate where i am in life. the little i have to look forward to down the road in life...it seems so distant. every time i feel like i've got a glimmer of hope, it's quickly derailed by some form of bird shit that lands on the windshield of my life. i'm so broke, i have a job that barely gives me enough hours to make ends meet. and i'm still living rent-free at home with my parents. so i don't have a lot of things i need to pay for, but even then, my budget is a joke. i hate the fact that i'm in this position. i bitch and moan doing the whole 'woe is me' thing. but it's hard to do anything else when hope seems so far away from my grasp. i try and try to find positivity but to no avail. i don't care anymore if i ever get rich, have a huge house, drive a really nice car, or any of that crap. i just want to find something in my life to be happy about. even if i drive the same piece of shit mini-van for the rest of my life. even if i'm an out of shape fat body. i just want one thing in my life that i can call my own and that i can wake up every day and feel good. i think the only thing that can do that is a woman. i've been lonelier than i'd like to divulge. i haven't so much as kissed a female for a LONG time. when i was younger, i was just a nice guy. now i'm a cynic. i see the world through a narrow looking glass. i find it hard to see the positive side of things anymore. i need a change.

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[05 May 2010|10:31pm]
so i don't have a whole lot to update on...so i figured i'd share something i wrote a few weeks ago. i was laying in bed just feeling a little blue so i busted out the pad and pen. basically this is how i feel each day...and at the end of each day i have that little bit of light inside of me that still hopes for a better tomorrow. we'll see if anything can come of it. i just hope i can wake up with that little bit of light someday so i can start with a positive attitude.

Solitude Is My Art

for every single beat of my heart
a piece of me falls apart
because it beats for no one
solitude is my art.

see, there's no one alive
who's done it like me
been alone for this long
and wept so quietly.

i smile and keep on
each day's a new day
but no smile that comes back
is directed my way.

sadness is not
the word i would use
so numb to the pain
from feeling this blue.

i speak, i'm unheard
unnoticed by all
there isn't a net
that could break this free-fall.

as i plummet to depths
where light becomes dark
i'm no longer content
with solitude as my art.

as the dark becomes light
i venture to say
i hope i find happiness
at the dawn of this new day.
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heavy on my mind [02 May 2010|11:02pm]
[ mood | confused ]

lately i've been kinda lost. i mean i know what i want to get done this year. i want to pass the 2nd of 2 tests in order to get registered...then find a new job in cali...and get the fuck out of vegas. again. i also have a few other personal goals set like losing a good deal of weight...and write more. not even film-ish stuff...just writing personal stuff or writing poetry/music for myself and my homie to lay down and record eventually. but i'm lost on a personal level.

i don't have too many friends out here, but that's essentially what i wanted to have happen. i didn't want to have too many attachments making it suck when i do bail out of this hell hole. i've got 2 really good friends out here and a few others that are more acquaintances than anything else. but i also had one friend from my days of ultrasound school. i kept in touch with her off and on since 07-08 which was when we were in the program together.

we've kept in touch off and on meaning, i'll try to stay in touch with her then she'll start going back to her shitty ex husband...realize it's not a good situation...get out...then we'll be able to stay in touch...then she'll fall back outta touch cause she goes back to her ex. well that happened again and this time i think it's going to be for good. at least i'd like to keep it that way. it's too hard to have a friend like her come to me and explain all her problems...ask for advice or ask for some reassurance or need a confidence boost...then revert back to all the old behavior. she knows she can do better but she's impatient and wants too much from a significant other right away. she wants someone to be the final piece in her family since she has 3 kids. there have been countless times where i wished i could be that guy because she's great and she and i get along really well. but i'm not looking to be that guy at all. i want someone who i can be with but not have to be locked down for life with. she deserves someone who can take care of her, but i'm not that guy. i should say, i USED to want to be that guy a long time ago. i haven't felt that way for her in a long long time. sure i'm attracted to her but i have no feelings for her. even back then, i dont even think my feelings were that strong as it was. but what i'm getting at is that i don't want to keep her as a friend when it's like i can only be a part time friend...and she brings her drama to the party each time she gets back in touch with me. now she's back with her ex...to what extent? i'm not sure. she says she just needs a place to live until she can move out to cali. but that may not happen because she already let herself get sucked back into his life. that is just one vicious circle. i guess all i can do now is pray for the best for her and we can go our separate ways and not look back. at least not any time soon.

another thing that's been weighing on my mind is that situation that i previously posted about. i need to hang out with my cousin soon just to see how she's doing with everything. it's hard to NOT think about everything. it's very distracting and hard to deal with on a mental level. time i guess...just need some time.

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total mindf@#k [28 Apr 2010|10:37pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

so today was sort of a rough day. skipping everything else that was insignificant in comparison...my cousin told me some devastatingly shocking news. news of which i can't even begin to fathom. and what sucks is i can't even discuss it with anyone else. it's a HUGE family issue that MUST remain under wraps. it's some of that 'tear your family apart' kinda shit. some of that 'people will never look at that person the same' kinda shit. and i'm still trying to get a grasp on the whole thing. part of me feels resentment towards this person. but part of me kind of wants to put myself in their mind frame and maybe get a better understanding of how/why something like that happened. this is all stemming from something that happened a LONG LONG time ago but would still devastate people. most of all though, i just wish there was something more i could do to help the situation and the people involved, but it's so far beyond me that it's just pointless. all i can do is be an open ear to whomever needs to talk about it. since i found out, i've felt like i'm in a catatonic state. it's like i'm still operating to a degree...still conversing with people, but just kind of numb to the whole world right now. i feel terrible, but as i said, it's so far beyond me that i can't do anything. i just hope things will smooth over eventually. i don't want the whole 'family divided' shit going down. i know this can't be repaired, but i hope that it can be something that everyone involved can accept and move past eventually. ugh. rough day indeed.


now i just need to listen to some relaxing music to put my mind at ease for a while.

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[12 Apr 2010|09:33pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

since the last post, i finally filed my taxes. by the grace of God or Big Brother Government i'm getting a decent federal return. by decent, i mean due to the fact that i expected to owe, i'm getting a decent return. since i live in nevada, i don't file a state return since there are no state income taxes. so there's that.

right now i'm listening to some early death cab for cutie. i've always had the early stuff, unfortunately and for some unfathomable reason, i haven't listened to it at all. i'm quite pleased with what i'm hearing. 'tis quite good.

nothing else new that i'd care to post for now. i think i'm gonna go find some old/new Bright Eyes stuff. i only have Digital Ash In A Digital Urn/I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.

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[24 Mar 2010|11:30pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

so tax day is approaching quite soon. i need to file asap. i am begging and praying to God that i don't owe this year. i claimed 1 exemption so there weren't taxes deducted unless my paycheck was over a certain amount so that didn't result in a nice federal return on my w-2. BUT i kept a mileage log and drove over 3100 miles this past year for a part time job. so hopefully that will offset anything i might owe. and if i'm super lucky and God really loves me this time of year, i'll get a somewhat decent tax return.


*fingers crossed*



in other news, i have a mandatory staff meeting (first ever) to go to for work next monday. on the agenda that was sent out, they bullet pointed 'raises at (boss's) discretion'. so hopefully that will yield me something. if it doesn't, i can always get a raise once i get fully registered as a tech. which, God willing, will happen in the next few months. either way, i want to move if i get registered...move home to cali. and it isn't a big secret with anyone at work. my boss has known this forever. i just think he'll be bummed if i left. not so much because i'm some great tech...but i think i'm a good employee. no matter how many times they call me super-last-minute, i always help out and i'm always willing to go wherever. is it a pain in the ass? yup. but i'm not a dick about it and i don't refuse to do stuff. i may make it known if something doesn't seem right and i'll voice my concerns, but i'm not a diva haha.


here's to a possible raise!...or at least a possible tax return!...or just to health haha. (damn, i'm pretty outta shape too........). let's just drink to life in general.

*cheers*

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[21 Mar 2010|11:59pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

so i had a conversation with my cousin recently and we got to talking about journals/diaries and how they can be sort of therapeutic and i realized i should try to make a serious effort to start writing more. maybe there won't be super in-depth posts sometimes but i need to utilize this thing more. i know nobody reads it, but then again, nobody really reads a REAL journal/diary so eff-it.

i'd really like to use this thing to sort out some of the crap i've been dealing with lately. especially the stress of my job. i don't even have a full time job, but the stress from it is completely unnecessary. there are so many issues that come up on a weekly basis and it's getting overbearing. they really aren't big issues, but the higher-ups always make a big deal about stuff. i just wish that all the little crap didn't have a damn trickle down effect on the employees. plus all the rules they have in place at work are so flimsy. they decide to bend/change/alter their rules whenever they want and they act surprised when i react unfavorably to them. i just need to get through this next exam so i can become a fully registered echo tech so i can find a better job in california. i just wish i could be back home there and have a 9-5 job (M-F) like everyone else and be able to kick it with my friends again. i'm so unhappy here in las vegas and it's wearing more and more thin with every passing day. i need a big change in a major way. i'm going nuts here.

well, i'll add to these thoughts later. gotta get up tomorrow to go to two different sites, hours apart, for one patient at each place. very much NOT worth all the driving. but fuck it. gotta pay my dues i suppose.

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"home's face, how it ages when you're away" [24 Feb 2010|01:15pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

broken record...i know i haven't been posting in a while...but instead of saying i'll change that...i'll just say...i'll TRY to post more this year. TRY being the operative word...now...let's get started:

in the several months since my last post, not much has happened that's made anything very different. i passed the 1st of my 2 exams that i need in order to get registered as an ultrasound tech. so that's a good thing. now i just need to get my ass in gear to start studying for the 2nd exam.

i've been in a really big funk the last few months. it's hard to pinpoint just one thing that's been bugging me, but there are several things just eating away at me. i need to figure out a way to overcome it though. i've never felt this shitty in my life. part of it is that i just wish i was back home in l.a. living there. i miss my friends and my family. don't get me wrong, the family i have here is great. it's especially helpful having my cousin jasmin here to kinda vent frustrations with back and forth. we both need a change of scenery so it's good to know i'm not the only one going through the same situation. and my friends out here are pretty dope too, the few friends i actually have haha. that's more or less by choice though. i didn't want to get attached to a bunch of people out here if in the event i do move, i won't be as bummed out as i was when i left california...twice.

i guess another part of me being in a funk is that i'm still single. i mean i'm okay not being in a relationship. i don't wanna say that i want that just because i'm lonely. i really just want a female companion to chill with. i'm not opposed to being in a relationship, but it's not what i'm looking for. i dunno. growing up sucks. especially knowing that the days of innocence are slipping farther and farther away. each day they become more of a distant memory. i mean fuck, it's coming up on 6 years since i graduated high school. what the hell do i have to show for it? i know i'm doing well as far as having a career lined up. but it's not necessarily what i want to do forever. i want to write or make movies or  something. i guess i'll still hold out hope for those pipe dreams. i just don't want to do this for the rest of my life.

recently, my birthday passed and i turned 24. my 'kobe-eth' birthday as i called it. i was glad my brother, his gf, and our cousins came out. they made my birthday much more fun that i could have anticipated. we went snowboarding and i ate it a few times but most of the time it was just trying to get up. i only got to ride like once or twice and not very long rides at that. one time, i fell backwards and twisted my knee just trying to get up on my board. the pain still lingers when i try to get up from a seated position or somethings if i'm turned to the side, it'll cause a little pain. but it was worth it. i got to spend time with a lot of the people i care most about in this world. it's just what i needed.

after snowboarding i was fine up until like 3 days later, i got sick. and now i'm just getting over that, after a week. hopefully i'll be back to normal by the weekend.

there's the update. i'm done. hopefully next time i'll have a little bit more positivity to speak about.

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so check this... [30 Sep 2009|01:24am]
[ mood | thankful ]

i logged into livejournal and saw the logo for the 10 year anniversary of this website. i looked back at when i started my livejournal and realized that just this past week marked 8 years of me posting random pieces of my life and random thoughts that run through my head. this journal has spanned from enormous highs and incredible lows. moments of confusion and moments of clarity. writing out epiphanies as they happen and also sharing poetry i've written, whether it be based on real events or people, or just my imagination creating a work of fiction.

a lot has happened in 8 years. i've grown up a lot. i've met a lot of new people, as well as staying in touch with a lot of people since that time and even from before that time. the reason im posting to my journal right now is because a friend of mine from back in jr. high started her own blog and i had mentioned this journal i've kept and how i dont use it often enough. since 2001 i've lost some family, as well as gained new family through the births of my nephew Allan and my two twin cousins Adia and Quinn. i've seen people get married and i also witnessed my parents, who were separated for the better part of my life, get back together and move to las vegas, where i am currently writing this. i've met a lot of new friends and i've lost touch with many friends too. but the people that mean the most to me still remain close. i've moved to las vegas, moved back to california, then once again, back to las vegas. it's been a bumpy and winding road, but it's led me to some good things in my life. i've learned to appreciate things a lot more and not take things for granted so much. in these past 8 years i've been privileged to see a lot of things and learn a lot of things. i'm blessed to say i am still living life. all i can hope for now is to keep living life and make the most of the time i have on this earth and continue to put things in perspective and appreciate everything i have in this life. i can only hope that whoever, if anyone, reads this post will follow my lead.

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made it in time to post before the month ends [30 Aug 2009|10:57pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

so since i last wrote on here, i had the whole issue with work cleared up. never had that 'meeting'. i had a talk with the go-between person basically and signed a written warning. still didn't think that was warranted but whatever. the issue is over with and im working again.

in the last month i've done pretty much nothing worth noting. i re-upped on my EKG certification again. other than that? not so much.

and as i type this, i stubbed my toe. fml.

in other news...im just kinda hoping my friend is okay. her psycho ex-husband is trying to get himself back in the picture...she let him in which was dumb, and she admitted it...then just as fast as she let him back in the picture, he was caught talking to another broad...now he's trying to force his way back in her life so she was afraid to talk or text me cause he checks her phone apparently...i know she's at least doing somewhat okay because she's still working...my dad is one of her supervisors at the hospital they work at and he's spoken to her recently so i at least know she's alive and well. i just hope she's going through the steps to get his ass away from her and her children. i kinda wish i could be there for her if she needs someone to talk to but i'll have to wait to hear from her.

well, until next month...or possibly later...i'll be doing nothing as usual. just trying to lose some freakin weight. i need to get healthy.

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today wasn't a good day. [18 Jul 2009|10:53pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

to make a long story short, my boss called me today chewing me out for "talking too much" and saying he was "not pleased" with me. this of course backed up by what he claims he heard from other people. so i have to go in some time on monday to meet with him and possibly some kind of mediator or something to that degree? okay, fine. i just wish this didn't come up today. next weekend would have been fine. tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of my cousin's passing. i didn't need this on my mind. i just hope that tomorrow i can memorialize my cousin in my own personal way without stressing about this meeting on monday. just really bad timing. a bad end to a day that was already lame. way to go life.

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RIP David. [17 Jul 2009|01:04pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so coming up on sunday is the 10 year anniversary of when my cousin David passed away in an accident. its kind of surreal. i can remember that day so vividly. i was staying at my dad's house for the week and he came home early in the day and looked upset about something. he said i needed to sit down. he comes up to me and says that David died. selfishly, i asked "Uncle David?" which i feel horrible for asking, but i selfishly though, my Uncle David had the opportunity to live a great life...but then he said to me, "No, you're cousin David."...he was only 15. i remember the numb feeling...its one of maybe 2 times where i felt the world moving in slow motion. from there, we went to pick up my mom and we drove to Bakersfield. the whole trip all i could do was stare out of the window trying to piece together what might have happened. i felt angry...sad...shocked...but most of all, empty. my cousin was one of the closest ones i had. all i kept replaying in my head was the last time we hung out. months earlier, he was down south visiting us for a while and he came with me to my dad's place to hang out for a couple days. i remember the last time i saw him, we had gone to dinner to meet my mom half way from my dad's place to her place. we ate at a Marie Calendar's. i remember him laughing at me cause i had some potato cheese soup but put way too much black pepper in it and i started coughing uncontrollably at the table. i remember trying to chug as much lemonade down to take the burn away. all the while, he was laughing at me for it all. the one thing i can't remember is if i said i loved him or not. i gave him a hug goodbye, but i can't remember much after that. i miss my cousin just as much today as i did the day he passed away. it get's easier to get used to the fact that he's gone. but it never gets easy to get over it.


i miss you and love you David. rest in peace. i know you're looking out for all of us. thanks for all the memories!

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