as i entered into adulthood with a naive view of the world, i was full of hope, full of optimism, full of ideas, full of excitement at what the world had to offer. hearing teachers and authority figures throw around the phrase "wait til you enter the real world" just sounded like cautionary words brought about by their own negative experiences and personal failures throughout their lives. i realize now that it was more than just words of caution, but advice that came from a good place. they wanted nothing more than for me to succeed. for me to thrive on my potential. for me to enter the real world and make it my own.
in the 10 years that i have been an adult, i've experienced disappointment, failure, loss, confusion, and it has brought me to this point. i have experienced mild success, don't get me wrong, but it's success that has been outweighed by the negative circumstances i've encountered. i don't want to sound like i'm hoping for pity or that i'm looking for anybody's charity. part of why i've gotten to this point is my own fault. sometimes i haven't worked hard enough, cared enough, been motivated enough, or was cautious enough. i've come to crossroads in my life before and somehow it always ended up working out to some degree. but at this point in my life, i can truly say i've reached a point i've never felt before. the point of hopelessness. until now, i've always held out hope that things would get better. i've always held out hope that some hypothetical light would go off and i would figure things out. but now, i have no hope for my future. i have no hope that i will find a new job soon. no hope that i will climb out of this monetary hole that i've been stuck in for so long. not that i'm so far in debt that i'd need to file for bankruptcy, just enough of a hole that it feels like quicksand. every time i finally catch up and pay things off, some unexpected circumstance prevents me from making a dent in it. i have no hope that i will find someone to love or more importantly, someone to love me back. i have loved only once in my life and she loved me too. lord knows why, but it was the only time in my life i've been truly happy. i recently met two lovely women. they saw something in me that they liked and i liked them too. but for various reasons, it didn't work out with either of them. unfortunately, no matter how much i try to move on from the one person i loved, i always have her on my mind. we're still friends to this day, but not like before. we don't talk every day. we don't even talk very often. hell, i've only just recently reconnected with her in person in the last couple years. our lives have taken very different paths, but i think on some level there is still love between us. at the very least, we care for each other. at least i pray she cares for me. the problem is, no matter how hard i try not to, i still love her. i thought i got over her long ago, but i still love her. maybe i'm holding onto the idea that we belong together. maybe it's that naive 15/16 year old that believes we were meant to be together forever. maybe i'm just in love with the idea of her, or in love with the idea that true love exists. more than anything in this world, i just wish i could go back to that age and feel what it was like to be loved.
these days all i feel is numb. it's funny to say i feel numb when the feeling of numb is feeling nothing. an oxymoron if i ever heard one. i'm empty inside. i'm a shell of who i once was. i used to smile at people without realizing it. now, people have to remind me to smile. it's something i hate because it's a lot easier said than done. nobody knows how empty i feel inside. nobody knows how hopeless i feel. i understand that they are just being positive and hoping to rub off on me with their positivity, but i want no part of it anymore. i don't feel like i deserve happiness anymore. i do and i don't actually. i feel like i'm a good person. i feel like i've been good to people in my life. but i also feel like i've let everyone down in some way or another, which in turn, makes me feel like i don't deserve a single shred of happiness anymore. i didn't try hard enough to perfect my trade (ultrasound) because in all honesty, i hated doing it. in turn, that probably cost me a well-paying job. i didn't try hard enough in school to get the grades i needed to get into major colleges/universities. had i done that, maybe i would have experienced amazing things as i entered into adulthood. but i didn't. i settled for comfort. i didn't even apply to a single college because i was afraid i wouldn't get into somewhere i wanted. instead, i settled for following my parents to Las Vegas and attending community college. i thought i was doing them a favor by not going to an expensive university. but that cost me the opportunity to have a true college experience. i worked a mediocre job while in school and saved enough money to move out on my own. well, with the help of my parents too because i moved out with my brother to a place they bought in california. back home. it was supposed to be my big moment to make something of myself. but i was late registering for classes at another community college, so i ended up working another mediocre job. it didn't pay enough to make ends meet and i was nearing an opportunity to get a second job at another mediocre workplace. but it was going to be on my own. i was still positive, somewhat happy. i was experiencing life for the first time. but a different opportunity was brought to me. the opportunity to move back home to Las Vegas with my parents to attend school for ultrasound. it made sense logically because it was a trade that paid well. or so i thought. i never worked enough hours to make it a lucrative career. and now i find myself unemployed yet again, no hope in sight. now i'm looking for mediocre jobs just to pay the bills. any kind of job that will afford me more time to think about what i want to do with my life. the only thing i've ever wanted to do with my life is write. write screenplays...or novels...or even articles...about life...sports...music...film...anything. but my fear of failure has always crippled my drive. maybe i'm at the point where i have no choice. maybe i just have to go for it. but my motivation is still lacking because so much around me is crumbling.
i lost an uncle and a grandmother this year. my parents seem like they hate each other. i know i'm a burden on them financially and otherwise. i'm 28 and lost in the world without a fucking clue as to what to do next. there is overwhelming guilt that consumes me. i feel like i should just disappear without so much as a whisper just to make their lives easier. i feel like my whole family looks at me as a failure. maybe they don't, but that's how i feel. the one person i could confide in is in prison and i can't talk to her every day like i used to. even if i could, how could i burden her with my own struggles when she's struggling herself. it's more important to me that she finds her own personal peace and contentment rather than take on my problems too. to be fair, i've kind of taken on her problems into my own life, but i want to. i want to bear her cross so that she doesn't hurt so much. i love her dearly, like she was my own sister, that i want to do anything i can to help her get through this. some may call it selfless, but i don't see it that way. she is someone i would walk through hell and back to help. but sometimes it takes so much out of me mentally that i feel like i can't go on anymore. i feel like i'm failing her. i haven't kept in contact with her as regularly as i did. i don't write enough. i've missed more visits than i'd like lately. i don't even have the means to put money on her books. i know it's not my job to do any of that, but i feel like i'm letting her down. like i'm abandoning her. i know i shouldn't feel this way, and i know she understands, but she's hurting more than i can comprehend and i can't help her like i once could.
all of these things weigh on me mentally...physically...emotionally...and spiritually. especially losing my grandmother. i wasn't even in the country when she passed away. i was on a vacation that i shouldn't have even been on. being unemployed, i had no right to go on vacation. i feel guilty for being gone. i didn't get to see her before she passed. i'm still so distraught that i'll never get to give her a bear hug again. that i won't be able to watch her and help her cook her best dishes. that i won't be able to hear her say my name again. i love her so much and i can't be around her anymore.
at the root of everything, even more than my own shaken faith in God, all i want is to feel love again. i know God should take the ultimate precedence in any aspect of my life. i still believe in God. i still have faith in Him. i just don't know that He is looking down on me anymore. He's supposedly omnipresent, but i feel more alone than i ever have in my life. i know He loves me. but to not feel the love of another person, someone i can touch, someone i can hold, it feels even worse. all i want is to love someone again. i want her back in my life, selfish as it may sound. i know i can't have her back anymore, at least i don't think i can. i want so badly to tell her how much i still love her, but i don't want to complicate her life. i want her to be happy. if that can only happen without me, so be it. i just wish i could tell her. i wish she could still love me back. but that's more than i can hope for. i have no hope left. just a wish that likely will never ever come true. maybe one day i can show her this post. she used to read this all the time. maybe she still does from time to time. but i doubt that with every fiber in my body. i think she's moved on. she should...i don't deserve her. i don't deserve anything at this point. not until i can find the strength to fight for everything i desire in my life. maybe i need to learn to love myself first. but for now, all i know to be true is that i love her. through all the hopelessness...through all the utter despair i feel come over me...i know one thing to be true...i love her. God help me.